Passive-aggressive behaviour

What is passive-aggressive behaviour?

Sometimes people choose (consciously or subconsciously) not to express their feelings of anger or frustration directly. Instead, they might communicate their emotions through their actions or tone. This indirect way of expressing emotions is often described as passive-aggressive behaviour, which can sometimes be difficult for others to understand or respond to.

Passive aggression can show in different ways. Someone who is passive-aggressive might procrastinate or disagree when asked to do something. Even when they are angry or upset, they may insist they are fine. This shuts down the conversation as they refuse to be emotionally open. They may try and avoid certain people.

Instead of communicating honestly when you feel upset, annoyed, irritated or disappointed you may instead bottle the feelings up. You may shut off verbally, give angry looks, make obvious changes in behaviour, be obstructive, sulky or put up a stone wall. 

- Psychotherapist A. Harrn explains more in What is passive-aggressive behaviour?

When we are passive-aggressive, we aren't always aware of how we are behaving. Becoming passive-aggressive in our responses can be an automatic defence - more of a habit we learn based on the experiences we have, often in early childhood. It's not until someone else, like a colleague or therapist, points out what we are doing that we become more aware of what is happening. 

Many passive-aggressive patterns are not something planned. They are more our brain-body system protecting us. We might not even be aware of it. These are learned avoidance strategies that once kept us safe. It’s no one's fault for exhibiting these behaviours. Therapy helps bring them into our awareness and offers more adult, direct ways to handle conflict safely with support.

Remember: Passive-aggressive behaviour can be destructive. When things aren't spoken about and changes aren't made, things can get worse. Over time, this can lead to breakdowns in trust and more negative behaviours. It can also create relationship problems and even lead to relationships breaking down. 

How to spot signs of passive-aggressive behaviour

Different people show passive-aggressive behaviour in different ways. It can vary in how often, how severe, and how intentional it is. When someone who exhibits passive-aggressive behaviours or patterns is asked to do something they disagree with, they may seem positive or agreeable. Inside, they may be frustrated or furious. Instead of talking things through, they find another way to vent their frustration.

Counsellor A. Harrn explains more about passive-aggressive behaviour, how it can affect relationships, and how counselling for passive-aggressive behaviour can help. 

Common types of passive-aggressive behaviour can include:

Intentional ineffectiveness

Imagine you have been given a task you disagree with at work. You feel backed into a corner and see no way to avoid this task without risking your job or working relationships with colleagues or management. Instead of talking things through or raising your concerns, you approach the task in a lazy way. You make mistakes that are noticeable and aggravating, but not bad enough to result in punishment. This might make you feel better in the moment, but it can be seen as a form of passive aggression, as you are indirectly expressing how you feel through your lack of care and attention.

Intentional delays and forgetfulness

If you aren't confident in your ability to communicate, persuade, or gain approval, you may have found other ways to express yourself. A common kind of passive aggression is exaggerating characteristics you know someone is frustrated by. You may try to get attention or control the situation by being forgetful, disorganised, or messy.

For example, say a friend invites you to dinner and you say yes. In the run-up to dinner with your friend, they continue to remind you of the time, over and over again. Instead of telling them that you find this to be annoying or frustrating, you express yourself in another way. You are late on purpose. Your friend may see this as disrespectful. They may also feel it justifies their repeated reminders next time. The passive-aggressive person may see it as a victory.

Silent treatment (or sulkiness)

Rather than arguing, a passive-aggressive person may withdraw. This could mean not talking at all to the person they disagree with (giving them the silent treatment or cold shoulder). It could also mean becoming colder, withdrawn, or sullen. 

Imagine you are out with your partner and see them looking at someone else. Rather than confront them, you use silent treatment. You might give short, clipped answers, or stop responding altogether. Your partner doesn't know why this is happening, which can lead to tension and frustration. Over time, this can spiral, becoming far bigger and more serious.

Note: silent treatment is not the same as taking time out. Taking pre-agreed time away from a situation can help things to cool down and allow the conversation to resume later. Communication is key. 

Why are people passive-aggressive?

Reasons for being passive-aggressive can vary from person to person. Maybe they feel uncomfortable with confrontation. Some may be more comfortable expressing anger or resentment without acknowledging their feelings. For others, it's a way to try and gain control when they are feeling powerless. It's important to remember that passive-aggression isn't always a conscious decision - it's often a learned behaviour. Someone might have developed alternative ways of coping in certain situations, like when they feel upset, angry, or uncomfortable, to avoid confrontation. 

It's also important to remember that cultural differences and power dynamics can also impact situations and that what one person may see as a passive-aggressive response, another may not see the same way. In situations or settings where people have less power or where face-saving norms are stronger, indirectness may be more common. This can mean that something that one person may perceive as 'passive-aggressive behaviour' may be more based on the power dynamics or different cultures. 

How to deal with passive-aggressive behaviour

Passive-aggressive behaviour can be upsetting. You might find that a colleague makes your work life uncomfortable with their behaviour. Or perhaps a friend, partner, or family member's behaviour is upsetting. Maybe their passive-aggressive behaviour impacts your relationship, or how you communicate together. Or perhaps you have become aware that you may be inadvertently acting in a way that others can see as passive-aggressive, and want to figure out how you can make changes to how you react in certain situations.  

There is no one-size-fits-all ‘best way’ of dealing with passive aggression. It can help to know what you can do to support the person showing these behaviours.

How to deal with a passive-aggressive partner

Being in a romantic relationship with a passive-aggressive person can be hard. Relationships need honesty, openness and trust to work in the long term. In relationships, passive-aggressive people may seem:

• cold
• defensive
• secretive
• untrustworthy
• easily aggravated
• frightened of rejection or abandonment

Passive-aggressive behaviour can be a sign of underlying insecurities and trouble expressing themself. It can take a lot of patience and understanding to deal with these behaviours.  

If you recognise passive-aggressive behaviours in yourself or your partner, help is available. There are ways you can find support. However, if you are looking to help a partner, it’s important you do your research before approaching them. Make sure you speak openly and without judgement.

• Create a safe environment where you both feel comfortable. If you need to confront their behaviour, make it clear that it is safe to open up to you. Encourage them to tell you what is on their mind. 
• Be patient. If your partner feels attacked, they may get defensive and close off further. Try and show them that you respect their opinions and ideas. Be willing to wait for them to be ready to talk. 
• Remember: Their behaviour isn't a personal attack. It may be a sign of fear of rejection or other deeper issues. Try not to be overbearing. This can lead to resentment. 
• Talk to each other. If something upsets either of you, be open and honest. Discuss it there and then. Passive-aggressive people struggle to express how they are feeling. They may find your approach refreshing.
• Don’t give in. Your partner may use passive-aggressive tactics to feel in control or secure. Giving in can reinforce these behaviours. Stay firm. This can help encourage them to change their approach.
• Look after yourself. Loving a passive-aggressive person can be very difficult, and sometimes, it’s best to walk away. Your health comes first. They may have reasons for behaving this way, but it’s down to them to deal with them.

How to deal with passive-aggressive colleagues

Passive aggression at work can hurt productivity and morale. It can also damage working relationships. Managing someone with passive-aggressive tendencies can feel like a big undertaking. It can be a frustrating challenge for managers, team leaders, and colleagues. 

Common signs of a passive-aggressive employee include:

• Expressing feelings of being underappreciated.
• A lack of accountability or blaming others.
• Poor time management or procrastination.
• Seeming irritable with no clear reason.
• Using notes or emails to communicate in difficult situations instead of face-to-face conversations. 

What can you do to help deal with a passive-aggressive colleague? Rewarding good work and using positive reinforcement can be a great first step. Make sure to encourage the kind of behaviour you want to see and to show your appreciation. Let them know that you value them and that they are a valued member of the team.

Be clear with boundaries and expectations. Setting out boundaries from the beginning can help to offer a sense of security and stability. Passive-aggressive behaviour can stem from a need for control over a situation, as well as a need to feel more secure and stable. By being clear about expectations from the outset, you can help them to feel more comfortable, secure, and empowered. 

It can help to give them a level of choice and control in the work that they do, where possible. Having regular check-in meetings can help provide the space to raise concerns. It's important not to give in to passive-aggressive behaviour. When you give in, this can encourage them to repeat these behaviours again in the future. 

What contributes towards passive-aggressive behaviour? 

There is no single known trigger that causes passive-aggressive behaviour. However, there are some common things that researchers believe can contribute towards exhibiting passive-aggressive behaviour, as well as some mental health conditions and neurodivergences that researchers believe may show up as indirect or avoidant communication. These can include:

• low self-esteem
• a history of child abuse or child neglect
• anxiety disorders
• ADHD
• depression
• substance abuse
• upbringing (e.g. raised in an environment where positive methods of expressing emotions were not taught)

Passive-aggressive behaviour can also be a learned behaviour. For example, when growing up, if you were punished for showing 'negative' emotions like anger, if you saw family members not talking about problems, or if saying 'no' directly wasn't allowed or safe, you may have developed alternative ways to protect yourself. 

How do I know if I'm passive-aggressive? 

It can be hard to know if we are being passive-aggressive. Maybe you just want to keep the peace or avoid making mistakes. Perhaps you are trying to seem confident when you're actually feeling nervous. Or maybe you're afraid of being rejected or criticised. What might feel normal to us can come across as defensive or aggressive to others. There are signs you are being passive-aggressive that you can look out for. 

If you avoid direct conflict but still express negative emotions, it can be a sign that you are exhibiting passive aggression. If you feel a disconnect between what you say and do, it can be a sign of passive-aggressive behaviour. If people leave conversations with you seeming confused or hurt, it can also be a sign.

If you are worried you may be passive-aggressive, it's not too late to change. While we all experience passive aggression at times, if it starts to affect your relationships or well-being, it could be time to seek help.

Managing your passive-aggressive behaviour

Many of us will display passive aggression at some point. Most people don't like conflict and avoid it when they can. Passive aggression is one way that people learn to deal with conflict. This could be a way to avoid direct conflict or to protect yourself until you feel you can express yourself fully in a safe, private place.

Be aware of your behaviour. If you are worried that how you react may be negatively affecting you or your relationships, it could be time to look for support. Next time you think you have been passive-aggressive, take a moment to pause. What happened? Why did you react the way that you did? Once you start to notice your reactions, you can start to examine them and then change them.

Learning to express how you feel in a positive, constructive way can help deepen your relationships. Talking about how you feel and expressing yourself when upset isn’t easy, but confronting the issue without conflict is possible.

If communication is poor, vulnerabilities will emerge. Regular communication helps press the reset button. Communicate directly, clearly and openly. Use assertive communication rather than indirect passive-aggressive behaviour. Over time, passive-aggressive behaviour will erode goodwill.

- Counsellor M. Kloppers explains more in How to improve communication in relationships 

Changing behaviour takes time. If passive-aggressive behaviour is affecting you, therapy could help. Therapy provides a safe, confidential space. Here, you can start to better understand behaviours, rebuild trust, and learn to express yourself.

Can counselling help with passive-aggressive behaviour?

Counselling for passive-aggressive behaviour can be a delicate process. Opening up can take time. It can be difficult to express your true feelings and opinions after years of repressing or denying them. 

Some counsellors and psychotherapists believe that we need to revisit our childhood to learn how we became who we are today. They believe we can do this by identifying events that triggered certain insecurities, fears and anxieties. Once you have identified these, together, you can learn how to manage these feelings and how to express them in a healthier way. 

Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is a popular therapy used to help understand thoughts and behaviours, and how to change them.

The idea behind CBT is that our thoughts and behaviours will influence each other. By changing the way we think or behave in a situation, we can change the way we feel about life.

Finding a therapist

Currently, there are no official rules about what training a counsellor needs. There are accredited courses that counsellors can take to specialise in certain areas.

When searching for a counsellor, you can ask about their qualifications, experience, and how they work before booking a session. Once you have found a therapist you resonate with, call them or send them an email. You may not find the right therapist for you straight away, so take your time. It’s important you find the right person to help you.