What is self-esteem and low self-esteem?
Self-esteem refers to the way we see, value and judge ourselves. It shapes our sense of self-worth and influences how confident we feel in our abilities, relationships and decisions. Healthy self-esteem helps us see our strengths, accept our flaws, and handle setbacks. We don’t let these define us.
Low self-esteem develops when someone consistently holds a negative view of themselves. You may feel “not good enough”, overly self-critical or undeserving of care, success or happiness. These beliefs often develop over time. They can be shaped by childhood experiences, relationships, trauma, bullying, or repeated criticism. Although low self-esteem can feel deeply ingrained, it is not fixed. With understanding, time to think, and support from loved ones or a counsellor, many can challenge unhelpful beliefs. This helps them build a more balanced view of themselves.
In this video, counsellor Claire Black (MBACP Accredited, MSc) explains more about self-esteem, the benefits of therapy, and how to find the right counsellor for you.
Signs and symptoms of low self-esteem
Low self-esteem can show in many different ways. Not everyone experiences the same symptoms. Low self-esteem can affect how you feel emotionally, how you behave around others, and even your physical well-being.
Emotional symptoms
Emotional symptoms of low self-esteem can include negative self-talk, feelings of shame, guilt, sadness, or worthlessness, and harsh self-criticism. You might worry about making mistakes or being judged. You may struggle to see your strengths and achievements. Sometimes, you might feel unworthy of care, success, or love.
Social and behavioural symptoms
Socially, you may find yourself avoiding challenges and new opportunities. If you struggle with low self-esteem, others might describe you as a people-pleaser, or you may find yourself putting others' needs before your own. You might struggle when it comes to setting and keeping your own boundaries, may withdraw from social situations or relationships, and find it hard to accept compliments and positive feedback.
Physical symptoms
Physically, low self-esteem can leave you feeling fatigued or like you have little energy, due to the ongoing stress that it can cause. You might start to notice changes in how you sleep or in your appetite, as you feel anxious about how others see you, or how you are doing. Some people also experience tension, headaches, and stomach problems. Over time, you might start to neglect yourself or ignore your health needs, avoiding self-care altogether.
If symptoms last or impact your mental health, therapy for low self-esteem can help. It can show you where these feelings come from, why you feel this way, and how to build your self-esteem, confidence, and resilience.
What causes low self-esteem?
Everyone will have different things in their life that affect self-esteem. For some, self-esteem can drop suddenly, like after a stressful event. For others, low self-esteem may be a long-term issue.
Often, your opinion of yourself is built in your early years. You may have experienced authority figures who were disapproving. Being criticised a lot in childhood can lead you to form the opinion that you’re ‘not good enough’. Being bullied in childhood can also have a lasting impact on your sense of self-esteem, long after the bullying stops.
Other life events that can affect your self-esteem include:
- experiencing any kind of abuse, discrimination, or stigma
- having relationship problems
- ongoing stress, difficulties at work or school
- body image worries
- problems with money or housing
- losing your job, or finding it hard to get a job
- physical health problems
- gaslighting
It’s also important to acknowledge the influence of society and the media. With social media especially, more of us than ever before have access to other people’s lives, thoughts and opinions. As no one has created a ‘truth’ filter for this information (yet), much of what we see is curated, perfected and… false.
We get a lot of information, like societal expectations, beauty ideals, and gender stereotypes. These are often treated as facts. It can be hard to separate our self-worth from these ideas. The fact that more and more young people are using social media could also be a cause for concern.
While this is worrying, it’s worth noting that social media can have the power to improve both body image and self-esteem when used in the right way. Making feeds more diverse and following inspiring and uplifting accounts can help.
Understanding the source of your low self-esteem can help you understand yourself better and start taking steps to build it up.
Low self-esteem and mental health
If you have low self-esteem for a long time, you may find it affects your mental health. It can lead to conditions such as depression, anxiety, self-harm and eating disorders. Some of the signs of low self-esteem, like feeling worthless and blaming yourself, can also be symptoms of these conditions.
You may find that low self-esteem makes it difficult to socialise, which can lead to isolation. Feeling isolated and lonely can make you feel worse mentally. Some people may rely on unhelpful habits to cope with low self-esteem. This can include drinking too much alcohol or abusing drugs.
If you have a mental health condition, you may also find that your self-esteem is affected. For example, depression can make people feel worthless and anxiety can make them think they’re not ‘good enough’.
How counselling for low self-esteem can help
Building self-esteem and navigating the mental health implications can be difficult to do alone. Working with a trained professional, like a counsellor, can help you see where your self-opinion comes from. They can also guide you in challenging limiting beliefs.
Developing more awareness of your personal history and how this impacts who you are today can be eye-opening. Finding a counsellor who you feel comfortable with is key, it helps to be as open and honest as possible.
Many therapy types can help, like cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), which helps you notice and change patterns of negative thinking. Compassion-focused therapy can also be very helpful for those struggling with self-esteem, helping you to let go of the self-blame that often comes with negative thoughts.
Arts therapies may be a good approach to consider if you find it difficult to articulate how you feel. These therapies use mediums like art, music and drama to help you process feelings and express yourself.
How to overcome low self-esteem
Overcoming low self-esteem often involves a combination of personal reflection and professional support. Self-help strategies can help, but many people prefer counselling for low self-esteem. It offers a safe space to explore the roots of their negative beliefs. Counselling also provides guidance on how to challenge and change these beliefs.
What can you do to start helping yourself improve your low self-esteem? It can he helpful to try and:
- Notice and challenge any negative self-talk.
- Start practising self-compassion, rather than self-blame.
- Set small, achievable goals to help you rebuild your confidence, one step at a time.
- Prioritise your emotional needs and wants. This includes making self-care a priority.
- Learn how to set healthier boundaries in your relationships, and practise sticking to them.
Therapy methods like CBT, compassion-focused therapy, and integrative counselling can help you understand the patterns that maintain low self-esteem. They support you in building a kinder, more balanced relationship with yourself. Change often happens gradually, but with the right help and support, it is possible to build lasting self-worth.
Finding the right counsellor for low self-esteem
Choosing a therapist can feel overwhelming. It’s key to take time to review counsellors, their specialities, and their personalities. Having a quick chat with them to discuss what you are hoping to work on can be a big help.
Having some questions prepared for your initial consultation can be helpful in deciding whether they are right for you. Ask yourself, “What do I want from counselling? Will this person help me to explore my individuality?”
There are no strict rules about the training a counsellor needs to help someone with low self-esteem. However, many accredited courses, qualifications, and workshops can help counsellors boost their knowledge in this area.
When researching therapists and therapies, take your time and get to know their background. Don’t be afraid to ask for more information if you need it.
