Counselling for abuse

What is abuse?

Abuse can happen at any stage in your life, and at any age. Abuse can take many different forms and have more than one victim. Often, those who abuse others are in a position of power. They may be taking advantage of a relationship (romantic, platonic, family or professional). Their actions are harmful, distressing, or morally wrong. What they do impacts you physically or mentally. The effects of those actions can take time to heal. It’s important to remember that no one ‘deserves’ or ‘asks’ to be abused. No matter how much you may be struggling, help is available. 

When to seek help for abuse

You do not have to wait for an emergency situation to find help. If you are experiencing abuse of any kind, it’s important to tell someone you can trust. You are not alone. If you have a friend, loved one, or family member you can speak to safely, reach out. If you aren’t sure who you can talk to, there are other ways you can get support, including:

• Talking to a doctor, health visitor or midwife.
• Call a specialist advice line or check out Mind’s comprehensive guide to find support for any type of abuse. If you are looking for help and support, consider contacting:
  • Children and young people can use Childline for free, confidential support 24/7. Email, telephone, 1-2-1 counsellor chat, and chat with a BSL interpreter and counsellor online are available. Or adults concerned about the safety of a child can call or email the NSPCC.
  • Women can call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline. Free to use any time, day or night, staff offer confidential, non-judgemental information and support.
  • Men can call Mankind or Respect Men’s Advice Line, or use their webchat during set hours to access. Access judgement-free information and support. 
  • LGBT+ people, as well as concerned friends and family, can use Galop’s national helpline for LGBT+ victims and survivors of abuse and violence. 
  • Karma Nirvana offers help and support in ending honour-based abuse and forced marriage. Those looking for help for themselves and those who are worried about someone else can use the helpline. 
  • Hourglass offers support via text, call, live chat, or email for older people and those concerned about elder abuse. 

In case of an emergency, if you are worried about your immediate safety, call 999.

Types of abuse

There are many different types of abuse that can present in different ways. Knowing what to look out for could help you to recognise worrying patterns or types of behaviour you or someone you love may be experiencing. Abuse can happen at any age, to anyone, from any background. People of all genders, races, religions, and socioeconomic backgrounds can experience abuse. 

Many different kinds of people can be abusive. Friends, family members, parents, partners, colleagues, and caregivers can all be abusive. 

Physical abuse

Hurting someone on purpose through touch, violence, or violent behaviour is physical abuse. Physical abuse can include one or more of the following:

• biting
• pushing, hitting or scratching
• burning or scalding 
• choking
• sexual assault
• throwing objects
• kicking
• hair pulling

As well as physical injuries, you may feel an ongoing sense of shame or guilt about what you have experienced. This can lead to hiding what is happening from others. Fear stops some victims of physical abuse from seeking help. Others may be unable to safely reach out for help due to controlling behaviour, such as:

• restricting access to your phone
• allowing little or no contact with friends or family
• being forced to stay at home

Other kinds of abuse can happen at the same time. This includes controlling or withholding access to your own money (financial abuse). This can all lead to physical abuse remaining unreported.

Emotional abuse

Emotional abuse, also known as mental or psychological abuse, can be difficult to spot. As emotional abuse does not leave visible marks, it can be common to worry that others will not believe them without physical proof. This can lead to people downplaying their experiences or comparing them to other types of abuse.

Emotional abuse can involve:

• demeaning words and gestures
• deliberately scaring or humiliating 
• socially isolating you from friends, family, or loved ones
• verbal threats or intimidation
• criticism
• name-calling or insults
• gaslighting (making you doubt your feelings, lived experiences, thoughts, or lying about events)
• undermining you

Generally, emotional abuse can be put into three categories:

• Aggressive: This includes name-calling, blaming, accusing, making threats or using destructive criticism.
• Denying: This could be through manipulation, neglect, or the withholding of affection. Gaslighting is one such covert form of emotional abuse.
• Minimising: This could be belittling your feelings or thoughts. It can also mean isolating you from friends, family, or support systems. Accusing you of exaggerating can also be common.

Not all conflicts or arguments are a sign of emotional abuse or manipulation. However, if you find yourself feeling confused, anxious, ashamed, guilty, powerless, or close to tears after interacting with someone, it can be a sign of emotional abuse. If you find yourself trying to excuse how someone else is behaving towards you, blaming yourself, or trying to change someone else’s behaviour, it could be a sign of an abusive relationship. 

Narcissistic abuse 

Narcissistic abuse is a type of emotional abuse by someone with narcissistic tendencies, a narcissist, or someone with narcissistic personality disorder. Typically, the abuser uses words and actions to manipulate someone else’s emotional state and behaviour. Narcissistic abuse can manifest through behaviours where the perpetrator consistently centres situations around themselves, prioritising their own needs, feelings, and perspectives over those of their partner.

Anyone can be a victim of narcissistic abuse from a parent, friend, work colleague or family member. The abuse they inflict on their victims can be emotional, physical, financial and sexual.

- Emma Davey, MBACP Counsellor and Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Specialist, Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: Rebuild, Recover and Break Free. 

Narcissistic abuse can have a more subtle effect than other kinds of abuse. This can make it tough for individuals to recognise. You may feel like you aren’t good enough, like no matter what you are doing, it isn’t enough, or you may struggle to trust yourself or put yourself first. You may be left feeling like you aren’t earning or achieving enough. You may feel isolated, confused, and unsure of what has gone wrong with your relationship. 

Sexual abuse

Sexual abuse or sexual violence are both types of unwanted sexual activity that happen when someone is pressured or forced to take part. This can include a broad range of actions such as:

• unwanted touching or photographing
• feeling or being pressured into sexual acts without your consent
• being sent images or messages that are sexual without your permission or consent.

Sexual harassment can also occur alongside or as a part of sexual abuse. This can include behaviours such as sexual gestures, leering, sharing explicit images, or sending sexual messages or emails.

Sexual abuse can include acts that you don’t want, don’t agree to, or don’t fully understand. Many victims who have been sexually abused know their abuser. This could be a partner, ex-partner, friend, relative, or stranger. 

Everyone reacts differently to sexual abuse. Sexual abuse can have lasting emotional, physical, and psychological impacts. It may leave you feeling angry, anxious, depressed, guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, or numb. Intense fear, panic attacks, and low self-esteem can also be side effects. 

Coercive control

Coercive control can be a single act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation, or intimidation used to cause harm, punish, or frighten someone. Coercive control can be used in many different abusive situations and can be hard to spot at times. For example, your partner might monitor your online communication with others using spyware to track and control who you are talking to and when.

The aim of coercive control is often to make you dependent on someone else by isolating you from support, exploiting you, and/or depriving you of your independence and controlling your behaviour. 

Domestic abuse

Domestic abuse (also known as domestic violence) can involve mental, physical, sexual, or financial abuse. Usually, between two people in a relationship, domestic abuse can also happen between family members or with an ex-partner. If someone within a relationship tries to control, gain, or maintain power over another person, it can be a form of domestic abuse.

Affecting people of all genders and backgrounds, domestic abuse is more common than you may realise. It’s estimated that one in five adults in the UK aged 16 and over has experienced domestic abuse. According to the National Centre for Domestic Violence, an estimated 2.3 million people were victims of domestic abuse in 2023-24. 1.6 million women and 712,000 men experienced domestic abuse. Every 30 seconds, a domestic abuse-related call is made to police. It is thought that less than 20% of victims and survivors of domestic abuse report their experiences to the police. 

Domestic abuse can impact you physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, and financially. You may struggle to get or keep a job, maintain friendships, keep up with family, or develop new connections. Women’s Aid explains more about the intricacies of how domestic abuse can affect survivors.

Your heart is precious so take care of it. You need to be valued and respected. You deserve to be heard. Domestic abuse shouldn't be something we should live with and be bullied into silence from our partners. It's your truth.

- A counsellor discusses her first-hand experience of moving on after domestic abuse.

Financial abuse

Financial abuse (also known as economic abuse) often happens alongside other forms of abuse. This type of abuse is a form of coercive control, where someone tries to use or misuse money to limit or control their partner’s current and future actions, as well as their freedom of choice.

This could include:

• using credit cards without permission
• putting contractual obligations in your name (loan repayments or phone contracts that aren’t yours)
• gambling using family assets
• taking away money or other property
• preventing or restricting you from making, using, or maintaining your own money 

If you are experiencing financial abuse, you might be left without money to buy basic essentials like food or clothing, or without money for somewhere safe to stay. Financial abusers may keep trying to exert control even once you have left, through child maintenance, as well as any shared payments or property.

Financial abuse is a form of domestic abuse. It can lead to emotional distress, financial instability, and have a lasting impact on your finances. It can also lead to feelings of isolation, anxiety, and low self-esteem. It can also have a lasting impact on your finances.

Elder abuse

Elder abuse (also known as elder neglect) involves the abuse, neglect, or financial exploitation of those aged 60 and older. Elder abusers are often family members, friends, carers, or health care providers. Elder abuse can happen in your home, a care or nursing home, or a family member’s home, to people of any gender and background. Elderly people with a disability, dementia, or memory problems are more likely to experience elder abuse.

Child abuse

We don’t know how many children in the UK experience abuse or neglect due to the often hidden nature of child abuse. Child abuse encompasses many kinds of abuse that children and teenagers may experience. This includes neglect, emotional, physical, sexual, and online abuse. 

It can be tough to recognise the signs of child abuse. Particularly, young children may be scared or ashamed to tell anyone what is happening. They may also not realise that what they are experiencing is not normal. We do know that every year, thousands of children are abused physically by a parent or someone they know. 

Child abuse is characterised by any actions of a carer that could potentially harm a child’s mental or physical health. Some research suggests that some perpetrators were abused themselves as children. This early exposure can normalise abusive behaviour, which can potentially increase the likelihood that they go on to become abusers in adulthood. 

There are four main categories of child abuse. When anyone under the age of 18 is being deliberately harmed or not properly looked after, it is a form of child abuse. These can include (but aren’t limited to):

Physical child abuse

• hitting, shaking, slapping, throwing, pushing, or kicking
• burning or scalding
• choking, drowning, or suffocating
• restraining (inappropriately) or falsely imprisoning
• misusing medication, inducing or making up an illness or ill health
• using physical force to discipline

Emotional child abuse

• being made to feel scared, in danger, inadequate, worthless or unloved
• being unfairly blamed for things
• seeing someone else being abused (e.g. domestic abuse)

Sexual child abuse

• making or encouraging a child to watch or take part in sexual activities, behave in sexually inappropriate ways, or look at sexual images or videos
• involving a child in the production of sexual content (images or videos)
• grooming a child online or in person in preparation for abuse

Neglect

• persistent failure to meet a child’s basic needs (food, clothing, shelter, supervision, medical care)
• persistent failure to protect a child from physical and emotional harm
• abandonment 

Some people live with the effects of an event that happened in their childhood, especially if they didn’t (or couldn’t) seek support when it happened. Childhood sexual abuse, for example, can have a huge impact on a person’s mental health and well-being. Talking with a professional can help you process past emotions and help to address issues of trust and anger that may resurface in later life.

How does abuse affect someone?

Abuse affects everyone differently. It can have a significant impact on your mental, physical, emotional, and financial health and well-being. Affects may be more instant or can be long-lasting. Research suggests abuse can influence your chances of developing depression and anxiety.

Survivors of abuse may find that they experience:

• flashbacks
• trust issues (with themselves and/or others)
• long-lasting negative feelings
• difficulty forming relationships
• feelings of guilt or shame
• low self-esteem
• trouble feeling happy or finding happiness
• trouble sleeping

Experiencing abuse can have serious impacts on a person's well-being and may be linked to challenges such as self-harm, substance use, eating disorders, and suicidal thoughts or behaviours.

Recognising the signs of abuse

Recognising the signs of abuse can be difficult. Abuse may start slowly and may not be immediately obvious. One of the main characteristics of an abusive relationship is control. This may be through force or manipulation. If you think that a relationship has become overly controlling or you are starting to see the signs of coercive behaviour, it could be time to seek help. If you think your behaviour has changed based on how someone else is treating you, it can be a sign that you may need help and support. 

Signs of abuse:

• Coercive - exerting power or control over time. 
• Emotional - name-calling, threats, manipulation, gaslighting, or shifting the blame. 
• Physical - restraining, hitting, throwing, pinching, kicking, slapping, shoving. 
• Sexual - manipulating, coercing or guilting you into sexual situations or acts. This can include physical actions with them or others. It can also include digital acts like sending or taking photos or videos of a sexual nature without your explicit permission. 
• Digital - demanding access to your devices, wants to track where you are, or shares images of you without your consent. 
• Financial - controlling access to your money or resources. It can also include putting debts or payments in your name, refusing to have your name on payments that you make, or stopping you from working. 

Taking the first steps toward seeking help can be tough, especially if you have tried speaking with someone before and haven’t had a response that has helped you. Mind share a guide to support options for abuse to help you make the next steps towards finding help.

Am I in an abusive relationship?

Spotting the signs that your partner or someone you are about may be abusing you can be tricky. Ask yourself:

• Is my partner jealous or possessive?
• Does my partner swing from charming one minute to critical or abusive the next?
• Does my partner tell me what to wear, who I can see, what I can do, or where I can go?
• Do I feel pressured to share my passwords, login details, or hand over my accounts or tech to my partner? Are my messages or conversations monitored?
• Is anger or intimidation used to frighten or control me?
• Am I constantly being put down, made to feel stupid, or like my memories of events are wrong? Does my partner try and make me doubt my own judgement?
• Am I in control of my own money, or does my partner make sure I am dependent on them for everyday things?
• Do I feel pressured to have sex or do sexual things when I do not want to?
• Does it feel like I’m walking on eggshells to avoid making them angry?
• Are they physically violent or intimidating towards me (even if they play this off as a joke)? 

If your answer to some of these is yes, it could be a sign that you are in an unhealthy or abusive relationship.

How can counselling help?

Abuse can leave a lasting impact on your mental and emotional health. Over time, it can lead to depression and anxiety, as well as impact your self-esteem and trust in yourself. You might find that your mood, sleep, and appetite are negatively impacted. Or you may find yourself struggling to do activities you used to enjoy, feeling unmotivated or empty. Some people may have thoughts of self-harm or suicide. Remember: You are not alone. Help and support are available.

You may have a support network you can already lean on. But if you do not feel comfortable speaking about your experiences with friends, counselling can help. Counselling offers the reassurance of speaking with someone in a safe, confidential space, allowing you to feel seen and heard. 

A therapist provides an impartial, safe space to talk about your experiences and fears without judgment. Your therapist can listen to you, help you come to terms with what has happened, and understand your options for moving forward.

Through working with a therapist, you may start to see a way out and escape from a cycle of powerlessness. You deserve to be listened to with respect and without being judged if you choose to talk about your experiences.

Counselling can help in many ways, at whatever stage you are in your life. Therapy can offer support if you are leaving an abusive relationship. Therapy can help you restore your self-esteem. It can teach you new, healthy coping strategies to deal with how you are feeling and to help you process and understand those thoughts and feelings. This, in turn, can help you to relearn to trust yourself and others. 

What should I be looking for in a therapist?

Finding a therapist you feel comfortable opening up to and speaking to can feel tricky. It’s important to find someone you feel comfortable with and that you can trust. Currently, there are no specific qualifications that an abuse counsellor or therapist needs. However, there are specialist training courses that some therapists may choose to undergo to support victims of abuse. For example, trauma-informed therapists acknowledge the impact of trauma on your mental and emotional well-being.

There are many types of therapy which can help people who have experienced abuse. These include psychodynamic psychotherapy and trauma processing techniques (e.g. EMDR). Relational and systemic therapy can also offer a broader view of your circumstances and the dynamics that may influence your situation. 

Finding out more about different kinds of therapy can help you identify which type appeals more to you. You might prefer face-to-face therapy in a more traditional setting. Group therapy allows you to hear and connect with others who have had similar experiences. Online therapy may allow you more flexibility around a busy schedule or if you live in a remote area. If you are feeling anxious about visiting new places, telephone, online, or in-home therapy can all allow you to take part in therapy without leaving home.

Further help

• ChildLine
• NSPCC
• Refuge
• Women's Aid
• ManKind
• How to make a silent 999 call - Met Police

Find a therapist

If you are looking to talk with someone after experiencing abuse, finding the right therapist can make a huge difference. Search for qualified, experienced professionals with the Counselling Directory. 

Many therapists and counsellors offer support through online, phone, or in-person sessions. This can make it easier to get the help you need. Talking to a trained professional provides a safe, non-judgmental space to help process trauma, develop healthy coping mechanisms, and rebuild your self-esteem. A therapist can help you manage difficult emotions, work through experiences, and reduce feelings of guilt, shame, and self-blame.