What are abandonment issues?
Abandonment issues are a deep-seated, persistent fear of being left or rejected. Often coming from childhood experiences (loss, neglect, or trauma), they can also develop later in life. This fear, while not a distinct diagnosis in itself, is a type of anxiety that can affect friendships and romantic relationships. These experiences can cause anxiety or fear in young children, or can affect us later in life as adults, too. Abandonment issues can also stem from unmet needs.
Someone with abandonment issues may find that they feel insecure. This could lead to them feeling like they don’t deserve to be loved. Some people may feel so overwhelmed by their fear of abandonment that they choose to end their relationship. This can be a way some people try to protect themselves, to avoid the hurt of being left.
Signs of abandonment issues can take many forms and can show in different ways. How much abandonment issues affect you can depend on what has caused them. Abandonment issues can make it more challenging to form healthy, secure relationships.
It's also worth noting that the term 'abandonment issues' isn't always used consistently. Some studies and experts instead use attachment anxiety or attachment avoidance, or the more technical term, schemas of abandonment.
But what causes a fear of abandonment to develop?
Does fear of abandonment only happen in romantic relationships?
A fear of abandonment can happen in different kinds of relationships. Some people might be afraid of losing a romantic partner. Others might fear losing friendships or growing distant from family members.
What causes abandonment issues?
Abandonment issues can happen for many different reasons. They can be the result of past experiences, trauma, anxiety, or other mental health conditions. Having an anxious attachment style or experiencing early childhood trauma can both contribute.
There isn’t always a clear event or reason why someone fears abandonment. For some people, there might be one big event. While for others, there may be many different factors. Some causes of abandonment issues can include:
Childhood experiences
- Experiencing abandonment as a child with a parent, foster parent, or caregiver.
- Experiencing childhood neglect or abuse.
- Growing up with instability at home, e.g. having a parent or caregiver who wasn’t always present or affectionate.
- Experiencing a traumatic event while growing up. For example, losing a parent through divorce or the death of a loved one.
- Being ridiculed or having too much pressure to be ‘perfect’ while growing up.
Traumatic experiences
- past relationships ending suddenly or in an unexpected way
- divorce
- infidelity
- neglect or abuse
- the death of a partner or loved one
Unhealthy relationships
- Abusive relationships. This could include physical, emotional, sexual, narcissistic, domestic or financial abuse. It can also include coercive behaviour, intimidation, dishonesty, gaslighting, emotional neglect, or manipulation.
- Unmet emotional needs. This could include feeling like you aren’t getting enough quality time together or like you aren’t being heard.
Fear of abandonment can be more common with some mental health conditions. These can include borderline personality disorder (BPD), dependent personality disorder (DPD), and separation anxiety disorder.
Signs of abandonment issues
How can you tell if you have abandonment issues? There can be a number of different things you can look out for. Signs can vary from person to person, but can include:
- Worrying that friends or your partner will leave you.
- Frequently needing reassurance from friends, family, or loved ones that they love you.
- Actively looking for signs that others don’t really like you.
- Feeling the need to try and please others (even if it is at your own expense).
- Pushing people away.
- Having a lack of boundaries.
- Staying in unhealthy relationships rather than risking being alone.
- Chronic anxiety.
- Overthinking or seeing problems in your relationship that aren’t there.
- Higher than typical sensitivity to rejection (big or small).
- Difficulty trusting others.
- Seeming clingy.
- Engaging in unhelpful or harmful ways of communicating, e.g. attention-seeking behaviour.
- Feelings of jealousy in your relationship.
- Trying (consciously or unconsciously) to control things within your relationship. For example, what your partner does or who they see.
- Trouble regulating emotions.
- Going through relationships quickly or having short, superficial relationships.
- Getting attached to or moving on from others quickly.
- Having trouble committing.
- Hypersensitivity to criticism,
When we become emotionally over-involved with another person, we tend to lose our sense of self and more specifically our own direction in life. We become overly focused on their life, their struggles, their problems, their mission, and end up under-focused on our own lives.
- Psychotherapist Noel Bell, MA, PG Dip Psych, UKCP, How to overcome fear of abandonment
Abandonment issues can have a lasting impact on your life. So, how can we learn to cope with – and overcome – these issues?
BPD and fear of abandonment
Fear of abandonment can be a common symptom of borderline personality disorder. For someone with BPD, this fear can lead to acting impulsively to try to avoid separation. This can lead to intense, ‘all-or-nothing’ relationships, and can contribute to mood changes, anger, impulsive behaviour, and withdrawal.
As Hope Therapy explains, “Fear of abandonment and the need for constant validation and reassurance can lead to conflicts and misunderstandings, causing strain and frustration for everyone involved. Seeking treatment for BPD is essential for managing symptoms and improving quality of life.”
How to cope with abandonment issues
Finding a way to tackle abandonment issues can help improve your relationships and overall sense of well-being. With the help of professional support, you can start to feel less anxious and worried about loved ones leaving. You can start to build healthier, sustainable relationships.
There are things you can try to help look after your own well-being, as well as to start building healthier, sustainable relationships. It can be helpful to:
- Try and notice when you are feeling anxious or self-critical. Note down what you are doing or thinking about when these feelings arise. This can help you to identify what may be adding to your feelings of anxiety and overwhelm.
- Examine your self-care routine. Are you getting enough sleep? Exercising regularly? Drinking enough water? Are you taking part in stress-reducing activities that bring you joy? Practising self-care isn’t selfish. Self-care is an important part of feeling happier and able to cope.
- Build your support network. Staying in contact with friends and family regularly can be more helpful than you think. Building your support network gives you people you can open up to and talk with, and who you can rely on when feeling overwhelmed. Cultivating your sense of belonging and creating a community of support can help you avoid relying on one person. No one person can meet all of our needs. A broader support network is important in maintaining and supporting our well-being.
- Practice self-compassion. Try to pause, be mindful of your breathing, and acknowledge how you are feeling. By treating yourself with kindness, understanding, and acceptance, you can improve your well-being. This gives you the bandwidth to work on your relationships and to feel more confident in yourself.
- Explore activities that can help build your confidence outside of your relationships. For example, trying new creative hobbies, starting a new sport, or joining a volunteering group.
Remember: It can take time to see results. Making changes that can help to reduce your anxiety can take time to start feeling like they are having a positive impact. Worries can linger. Working with a therapist can help you to learn how to cope with these worries as they arise.
If you're concerned that your worries and experiences are affecting you or your relationships, it could be time to seek help.
How to help someone with abandonment issues
Helping support a loved one with a fear of abandonment can feel challenging. It’s important to approach the conversation carefully, with patience and empathy. They may see attempts to talk about the situation as a criticism, or may worry that this means you (or a loved one) may leave. Try to offer reassurance. Tell them that you are concerned and care about them. Try to stay focused on their fears and how they are affecting their happiness.
Avoid using the term 'abandonment issues' when talking to your loved one. It can have negative connotations, which can lead to feeling more anxious or defensive. Avoid anything that can sound like trying to criticise, blame, or demand change without offering support. These can also lead to more feelings of worry.
How therapy can help with abandonment issues
Talk therapy, also known as counselling, offers a safe, judgement-free space. There, you can open up about how you are feeling and explore your experiences. Some people find it easier to open up with a therapist, as it can feel like there is less pressure to say the ‘right’ thing. With the help and support of a professional counsellor, you can start to identify the causes of your abandonment issues and learn new coping mechanisms.
A therapist can help you rebuild your self-esteem and confidence. Therapy can help you learn about setting and maintaining healthy boundaries and introduce you to effective ways of communicating with your partner.
Different kinds of therapy can be helpful for different people, and for different kinds of fears of abandonment. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can be helpful with separation anxiety (when you feel excessive fear or anxiety when separated from certain people). Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) can be helpful for those experiencing fear of abandonment as a symptom of BPD. Internal Family Systems (IFS) can be helpful for identifying, understanding, and healing parts that carry the pain of past abandonment, and reconnecting with your core self.
Couples therapy, family therapy, or individual therapy can all be helpful. If you have experienced trauma or loss, it could be worth speaking with a trauma-informed therapist. A trauma-informed therapist works with a framework that recognises the impact trauma can have across many different areas, shifting the focus from finding out ‘what’s wrong’ to ‘what happened to you’.
For children with a fear of abandonment, working with a specialist child therapist can help. For some children, traditional talk therapy can be daunting. Other kinds of therapy can offer alternative ways to express themselves. Creative therapies like play therapy, art therapy, and sand tray therapy can help.
Find a therapist who can help with abandonment issues
With help and support, you can find new ways to enjoy healthy relationships without letting fear take hold. Ready to start looking for a qualified, experienced therapist who can help? Many therapists and counsellors offer support through online, phone, or in-person sessions, making it easier for you to access the help you need. Use our search below to find an online or local counsellor near you.
