Revitalising relationships with the Gottman Method

So, you have been in a relationship with your husband, partner, or wife for over a decade. You have a house, kids, a cat or a dog. Once a year, you go on holiday abroad and enjoy pizza. Everything seems to be going well, but you find yourself reflecting on your life and start to think that something is missing. Is it your partner's fault and their inability to fulfil your needs? Should you change things up in your relationship? How can you regain your motivation and make things exciting again?

The Gottman Method

The first thing Anne did was go to therapy to reflect on her unmet needs. She began to explore what she wanted as a teenager and how these desires carried over into her adulthood with her husband. Anne realised that she had always wanted to connect with the most important person in her life—her father. He was always absent and only occasionally provided guidance. Now, with her husband, she sought everything that was lacking before. However, her husband was not a mind reader, so without his knowing, no changes could be made.

Anne had tried to communicate her needs previously, but the language she used was more resentful and accusatory. This type of communication is a prime example of the issues highlighted by the Gottman Method, developed by Dr. John Gottman. The Gottman Method focuses on building healthy relationships through scientifically backed approaches and emphasises recognising and addressing what Gottman calls the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse": criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Criticism: Anne's earlier approach to communicating her needs often involved criticism, which attacks the character of her partner rather than addressing specific issues. For example, saying "You never listen to me" instead of "I feel unheard when you don't respond."

Contempt: This involves expressing disdain and disrespect, which Anne's resentful tone sometimes conveys. Contempt can include sarcasm, name-calling, and hostile humour, all of which erode the foundation of a relationship.

Defensiveness: When Anne’s husband responded defensively, it was a natural reaction to feeling attacked. Defensiveness is often a way to shift blame and avoid responsibility, further escalating conflicts.

Stonewalling: When Anne’s husband would withdraw from the conversation, either physically or emotionally, it created a barrier to resolving issues. Stonewalling is a response to feeling overwhelmed and can lead to a complete breakdown in communication.

After therapy, Anne learnt to communicate using self-reflective language, which helped to reduce the presence of these Four Horsemen. For example, saying, "Yesterday, I felt very upset when you ignored me in the kitchen," allowed her husband to understand her feelings without feeling attacked. He could then explain that he had a difficult day and was deep in thought, rather than feeling the need to defend himself.

By addressing these harmful communication patterns, both partners learned more about themselves and each other, allowing them to discover new things about their lives and create new connections or refresh old ones. Through the principles of the Gottman Method, Anne and her husband worked on building a healthier, more resilient relationship, paving the way for a deeper and more fulfilling connection.

Note that the character of Anne is fictional and created to better illustrate the Gottman Method.